“Cat-Women of the Moon” A Review

Cat-Women of The Moon

By Mona

“Love-starved moon maidens on the prowl!”

Let me start by saying this is a bad movie.  Not your ordinary kind of bad, but a darker more sinister kind of bad like four more years of Obama kind of bad, or you just slammed your paw in the car door kind of bad. If bad news was a movie it would be this movie.. . .   And now .  ..The Review. .

A rocket is heading to the moon. The crew (when I say the crew I really mean the cast from Dr. Drew’s celebrity rehab) of five, four men and one woman are preparing to explore the moon in the name of science.  As they are approaching the moon their ship is struck by a meteor which causes an acid leak on a lower level (not sure why there is a huge tank full of acid on a rocket ship. .anyway).  One of the astronauts dawns a bee keepers suit (in case there are bees in the lower level. .  I guess. . Not sure. .) and goes down to investigate.  He ends up putting out the acid leak by spraying it with a fire extinguisher. (not sure how that works exactly, but it seemed too).  They land on the moon safely and prepare to explore by getting into their space suits (two of which don’t match..  Probably leftovers from another space movie). The crew exit’s the rocket via an one man elevator that they carefully operate by pushing buttons built into the outside fin of the rocket. (space humor)  As they are looking around the moon (which is covered in stalagmites formed by water dripping from who knows where) they spy a cave and go to investigate.  Inside the cave they notice there is gravity so they know it’s ok to take off their space suits. (I didn’t get that part either) Now dressed in active sportswear they go deeper into the cave and are suddenly attacked by giant moon spiders.  Not having the budget to buy real ray guns they shoot the spiders with an ordinary earth pistol. They are next attacked then befriended by moon women wearing leotards.  The moon women act like they are friendly but secretly have a plot to steal the rocket ship and head to earth.

The movie was made in 1953 by Z M Productions who went on to never make another movie and quite honestly shouldn’t have made this one.  It was directed by Arthur Hilton (editor of  Man Made Monster, Ghost Catchers) who learned after directing this movie to go back to editing.  The title “Cat-Women of the Moon” is misleading as there is really nothing catlike about the women. (I guess it just sounded trendy at the time.)

The lead role, Captain Laird Grainger (estranged wife of Farley Grainger) commander of the ship is attempted by Sonny Tufts (Serpent Island, Cottonpicken’ Chickenpickers).  His second in command  Kip Reissner (who believes the way to handle a problem is to shoot it) is played by Victor Jory (The Man Who Turned To Stone, Manfish).   Marie Windsor (The Day Mars invaded The Earth, Chamber Of Horrors) handles the role of Helen Salinger the mind controlled navigator who is dating the captain but in love with Kip.

This is a movie that should only be watched if you’re really needing to know how not to make a movie.  It’s so stupid it would be funny to watch except it’s really not worth wading through all the crappiness to get to the funny parts.  Miss it if you can. . .

“The Brain That Wouldn’t Die” A Review

The Brain That Wouldn’t Die

By Mona

“It’s Madness, Not Science!”

A part time surgeon (full time freaky mad scientist) experiments with body parts and dead people in an attempt to bring them back to life. (Sometimes by shoving a cattle prod into their brains and zapping their grey matter back to consciousness.)

After planning a quiet weekend at the cabin, Dr. Cortner – Jason Evers (The illustrated  Man, Escape the Planet of The Apes) and his girlfriend  Jan – Virginia Leith ( Black Widow, Toward The Unknown)  are driving along towards the cabin when Dr.Cortner guns the throttle and starts a one-car chase scene that ends when the car busts through a guard rail and rolls down a steep a hill.  Dr. Cortner is uninjured but girlfriend Jan’s head has been partly severed.  The doctor yanks her head the rest of the way off and races on foot to the cabin where he has a secret laboratory.  The doctor (who at this point can officially be called a mad scientist) sets Jan’s head in a roasting pan filled with Dr. Cortner’s secret transplant formula, hooks up some scientific looking equipment to her head and begins to keep her alive by hydroponics.  Jan soon regains consciousness and is a little more then just upset when she realizes she is now just a head floating in a pan of scientific chicken soup.  She begs and pleads with the mad scientist to just let her die but he won’t hear of it instead going out to try to find a girl who he can behead to use her body to attach to Jan’s head making her a woman again.  In the room where Jan’s head is at, there is a closet with a barred window. Inside that closet is one of the mad scientists failed experiments  that resembles “Hair Bear” from the cartoon “Hair Bear Bunch.”  While the mad scientist is out hunting bodies Jan verbally nags the beast into a state of hysteria and as the scientist returns with a suitable body for Jan the closet beast goes berserk and breaks out of its closet, attacks the scientist and burns the place to ashes killing them all.

The movie was made in 1962 by Rex Carlton productions who only ever produced one other movie called “The Devils Hand” (guess he liked to put names of body parts in his movie titles) and was directed by Joseph Green who in his 24 year directing career only directed three movies which all sucked.

As far as cheap “B” movies go, this one is OK.  It’s better than “Teenagers From Outer Space” and “Robot Monster” but not as good as “I Married A Monster From Outer Space” or “4D Man”.  It’s a twisted flick, so many people will find it enjoyable to watch, but you won’t want to see it more than once.

“Attack Of The Giant Leeches” A Review

Attack Of The Giant Leeches

By Mona

“Fear will pierce your flesh… Until every nerve in your body… EXPLODES!”

A half lit moonshiner is poaching in a unnamed swamp at an unnamed location when he eyes a creature that looks like a black plastic trash bag with a German car emblem glued on the front of it.  He stumbles back to town and announces his find to a bunch of half-liit hillbillies at the local bar.  Nobody believes him.  A few more hillbillies disappear and a search party consisting of two rednecks and a jug of rot-gut moonshine (probably distilled through a car radiator) go to search the swamp.  They disappear also. The game warden, played by Ken Clark ( Mission Bloody Mary, 12 to the Moon) sees the giant leeches while he is searching for illegal traps in the swamp and deduces they are responsible for the missing hillbillies.  Jan Sheppard (The Doomsday Flight, A Man Called X) flawlessly executes the role of the game warden’s girlfriend helping to advance the story plot with lines stolen from a comic book instead of shooting them on film. The game warden believes the giant leeches are living in underwater caves at the bottom of the swamp and sets off charges of dynamite in the swamp.  Soon the bodies of the missing hillbillies all float to the top as the giant leeches are blown into sushi.

The movie never tells how the giant leeches got in the swamp in the first place or how they became giant leeches. It also never says why the giant leeches capture people and take them to the underwater cave where they are still alive until the game warden kills them with the dynamite blast. OOPS. .  But thankfully it doesn’t have one of the giant leeches survive the blast to stick around for a sequel.

The movie was made in 1959 and directed by Bernard Kowalski (Night of the Bloodbeast, Ssssss) it was produced by American International Pictures.

The movie is silly without intending to be and the really horrible monster design keeps it from being at all scary.  That being said, it’s still a fun movie to watch and will have you thinking to yourself “ really?. . You got to be kidding me” several times thoughout.  The corny dialogue, bad monsters, and just plain crappyness of the movie makes it so bad it’s worth seeing.

“The Crawling Eye” A Review

The Crawling Eye

By Mona

“The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing horror on a screaming world!”

On the side of a mountain, near a small Swiss village, lives a  radioactive cloud of terror.  Hiding inside the cloud is a giant horrific eye of mortal doom.  The mountain is called “The Trollenberg” and is a popular spot for mountain climbers who, if unlucky fall victim to the crawling eye who rips their heads off.

Forrest Tucker (The Abominable Snowman, The Strange World Of Dr. X) leads the cast as Alan Brooks an American scientist asked by a colleague, Professor Crevett (Warren Mitchell (Waking The Dead, Moon Zero, Two) to come investigate the bizarre tragedies on the mountain.  Jennifer Jayne (The Black Widow, They came From Beyond Space), plays Sarah Pilgrim, the sister of Anne Pilgrim (Janet Munro, (The Day The Earth Caught Fire, Cry Wolf))  who has telepathic abilities and does a Las Vegas style mind reading act with her sister Sarah.  Lawrence Payne (Vampire Circus, The Lady Killers) handles the role of Philip Truscott the nosy reporter trying to get to the bottom of the Trollenberg Mystery.

The Crawling eye appears to have some mind control abilities able to force less intelligent people into carrying out it’s dastardly schemes but is no match for Anne Pilgrim who can read it’s mind . . Kinda . . After a fashion.

As the unlikely group get closer to the truth behind the mountain climbing tragedies the Crawling Eye senses it’s days are numbered and launches a pro-active strike against the group in an attempt to kill them before they can kill it.

The Movie was made in 1958 and directed by Quentin Lawrence (The Secret Of Blood Island, Doomwatch) who was also a physicist and held patents on nuclear reactor control rod technology.  The movie was produced by Tempean Films.

The Crawling Eye is everything a “B” movie should be. Tight claustrophobic scenes, crisp dialogue, and a double portion of creepy terror. If you’re a horror buff this is a real eye popper. . . . See it. ..

“The Amazing Transparent Man” A Review

The Amazing Transparent Man

By Mona

“The Man that’s both an adverb and an adjective”

Douglas Kennedy (The Alligator People, Invasion From Mars) handles the role of Joey Faust, a hardened criminal who breaks out of  prison with the help of bad guys that turn him invisible and force him to steal radium so they can mutate an army of invisible soldiers to sell to the highest bidder.

James Griffith (The Vampire, The Night Stalker) plays the role of Major Paul Kenner who is no longer a Major but instead a diabolical ruthless crime boss with his finger on the trigger of a  ray gun that turns people invisible and runs on radium.  Kenner’s plan to create an invisible army to sell to the highest bidder is going smoothly until he discovers his lackey in crime (Kennedy) is secretly using his invisibility to score big money heists on the side.

The thing nobody but the writer realizes before it’s too late is that the effects of the ray gun wear off after a while which could be a problem if you suddenly became visible in the process of doing something you shouldn’t.

The movie was directed by Edgar G Ulmer (Daughter Of Dr. Jekyll, Man From Planet X) and produced by Miller Consolidated Pictures in 1960. Its running time is 57 minutes but when you watch it it feels more like 657 minutes.

The movie’s title “The Amazing Transparent Man” is by far the best thing about this film.  It’s boring and not fun to watch.  The best comparison I can make is, picture yourself watching paint dry underwater in slow motion, but after thinking it over I’d rather watch the paint dry.

If you can think of anything else to do instead of watching this movie. . .  Do that instead.  Calling this movie a “B” movie is an insult to the letters B,C,D and probably F.  Miss it if you can. . .

“The Day Of The Animals” A Review

Day Of The Animals

By Mona

“Something Is Out There….something so evil it paralyzes the soul”

“God sent a plague down upon us. . Because we’re just a bunch of no good fellers.” With dialogue like that how can you go wrong?  With the ozone layer depleting rapidly (from spray can usage. . .yeah Anache will eat this shit up) ultraviolet rays of radiation are cooking the higher elevations of the country causing all the animal life to organize into groups, calculate strategic plans and ultimately kill humans.  This is a movie that will make the “Save the Earth” people feel all excited. . .  like they have butterflies in their underwear.   But since the movie was made back in 1977 we need to pretend like it really could happen . . . And would happen exactly in this way.

A group of hikers, lead by Christopher George (Project x, The Devils eight) get dropped off by helicopter for a trek through the mountains.  Linda Day George (The Invaders, Fear No Evil) and Michael Ansara (Abbot and Costello Meet The Mummy, The Time Tunnel)  offer moral support and spiritual guidance when the animals start ambushing the hikers.  Leslie Nielson (Forbidden Planet, Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sea) plays the bad man who goes berserk from the radiation and starts dispatching the hikers himself.  The rest of the cast are all familiar faces but are there only to be savaged by the animals.

The Movie was directed by William Girdler (The Grizzly, Three on a Meathook) and produced by Film Ventures International. It’s a decent movie but not good one.  There’s a lot of animals in it doing crazy shit which are coolest parts of the movie and very entertaining.  The scene where the guy is killed by rattlesnakes and a dog in front of a six year old girl is exceptionally chilling.  The ending however is just plain stupid.  The writers obviously didn’t have a ending so they faked one.

If you’re into animal horror this is one you probably need to see.  But it’s not a movie you would want to actually spend money on to add to your video library.

“Teenagers From Space”

Teenagers From Space

By Mona

“Teenage hoodlums from another world on a horrendous rampage!”

Aliens from a distant planet come to Earth with plans of using Earth to grow “Gorgons” which is food for the aliens.  They do this because their home planet is so overpopulated there is no room to grow food.  And because Gorgons grow to the size of a building and tear shit up.

Derek, played by David Love (this is his only acting credit for a movie) is one of the teenage aliens left on Earth to see if the Gorgon can survive here.  Dawn Bender (also the only film credit was this movie) plays Betty Morgan the love interest of Derek.
There are other characters in the movie but they really don’t count.

The “Gorgon” is a huge black shadow of a lobster because the producers blew all the budget on Jack La-lanne jumpsuits for the aliens to wear and couldn’t afford to buy a real monster. The aliens only have one death ray gun which turns anything shot into a skeleton but it breaks in the middle of the movie (probably ran out of death ray budget).  All of the aliens are at least 25 years old as are the humans, making these guys the oldest teenagers ever.

“Teenagers from Space” is a cheesy bad “B” movie.  It’s entertaining as long as you keep your expectations low. It’s not worth seeing more then once and makes you hungry for seafood as you watch it.

“It Conquered The World” A Review

It Conquered The World

By Mona

“Every Man It’s Prisoner, Every Women It’s Slave”

It’s not the greatest movie ever made but it’s got a very cool monster and that makes up for a lot.  A disillusioned  scientist, played by Lee Van Cleef (The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms, Escape From New York) leads a monster from Venus to Earth using his scientific super transmitter for purposes he believes are peaceful but soon finds out the monster intends to dominate the world by mind control.  Peter Graves ( Missile X The Neutron Bomb Incident, Red Planet Mars) plays  another scientist who is not fooled by the monster and tries to convince Van Cleef the monster is up to no good.
Beverly Garland (The Alligator People, Not Of This World) handles the part of Van Cleef’s wife who discovers the monster’s evil plan and goes after it with a rifle only to be killed in the process.

The monster in the movie has a bag full of super-like powers like being able to cut electrical power to houses and keep cars from starting.  It also uses batish looking creatures to attack its victims and implant its mind control device.. . . Plus it looks really cool.

I would have liked this movie a lot better if it wasn’t such a blatant rip off of  “Invasion Of The Body Snatchers” and surprisingly enough even this movie was ripped off nine years later by “ Zontar – Thing From Venus”. ..Which is almost the same movie.

It Conquered The World was directed by Roger Corman ( Beast With A Million Eyes, Not of this Earth) who produced over 400 movies most of them horror and sci/fi.  And was made by Sunset Productions in 1956.

The movie is worth seeing just for the monster alone but as a bonus they tossed in some Venusian bat beasts, over-dramatic dialogue, a space radio that reaches infinity, and Lee Van Cleef.  Enjoy “It Conquered The World” with your favorite ice cream cone. .  You will understand the cone reference when you watch the movie. . . .

“Mesa Of Lost Women” A Review

Mesa Of Lost Women

By Mona

“A Race Of Deadly Spider-Women Luring Men To Their Death”

A movie so bad it could injure you just watching it.  1953 was a good year for movies and wine but this is neither.  Although whiny at times the alleged movie is about as close to good as infinity plus one.  Possibly one of the worst movies ever made.

Shame on Ron Ormand Productions for releasing this piece of celluloid cancer.  And shame on Ron Ormand ( The Grim Reaper, The Burning Hell) for attempting to direct anything other people can see, even for free.   This movie is so bad it would have to climb four letters to be considered a bad “B” movie. .  Or considered a movie at all for that matter.  From the looks of it the budget for the picture was around four bucks in food stamps..  . And those were probably somebody else’s food stamps.

The Quasi-Movie stars ( although stars is pretty big word for what these people did) Jackie Coogan ( The Space Children, Escape From Terror) as the Mad Scientist, and Lyle Talbot (Amazon Women On The Moon, Glen Or Glenda) as the narrator. As well as a bunch of other people who should never again have anything to do with anything involving film.

The plot (if you can call it a plot) is based on a very bad idea of having a mad scientist inject women with giant spider venom to create a race of super women. Why?. .   It never says.  However there are plenty of cow sized spiders in this movie ( It’s really the same spider shot from different angles that was probably rented from the Universal prop room) and some dwarfs (probably rented from the Snow White sound stage).  The high point in the almost film is the soundtrack (Lifted from the movie “Jailbait”), which is  fifteen seconds of  a flamenco guitar and piano looped so it keeps repeating and played over and over though out the 70 minutes of this criminal offense.

If you want to hurt yourself go ahead and watch “Mesa of Lost Women” if you want to hurt someone else . .  Give it to them as a gift. .  Anonymously