A Certain Little Brother

Little brother who has dreams of becoming “Big Brother” sometime in his second term as President, today used the JP Morgan debacle (although he defends JP Morgan as a good bank, just not good at banking, you have to figure that one out for yourself) without calling them by name, (innuendo. . Something he is good at using) as an example in warning congress that unless they pass his financial bills (bills to allow Government to “Big Brother” Banks and the Stock Market) the American taxpayer could be on the hook for their mistakes, (a statement meant to strike fear in the hearts of all Americans in an attempt to make them believe they need Obama to protect them, and one that should make even his staunchest supporters say “ Hey what the fuck. . No way man“)

We Have Lift off. . Almost

New history was avoided today when a pressure sensor alert light flashed bad news on the dashboard of mankind’s future putting SpaceX’s falcon 9 rocket on standby until at least Tuesday at 3:44 am.  Diabolical Arch villain, and future king of the third planet from the sun, Elon Musk, was heard muttering “ Drats . .  Foiled again” as his rocket carrying secret weapons to take over the world suffered a “Failure To Thrive” moment on the launching pad.  Pay Pal’s stock price is likely to temporarily tumble as a result which could be a good opportunity for the savvy investor.

New Video Game May Set Sales Record

Rovio Mobile, (Makers of Angry Birds) is introducing a new game that will be available in crossed formats so it can played on a wide range of hardware.  The new game, “Obama Drone” is a war game where the player must control his drones in an attempt to blow up random militants, wandering bands of militants, and militant strongholds. The player receives votes for killed militants and loses votes when they hit civilians.  There are several bonus chests hidden throughout the game and if the player drones a chest the pentagon releases a cover story to hide the killed civilians and no votes will be lost for that stage. At the end of game if the player has enough votes they become President Obama, but if lose they will blame Bush.  The game will be available sometime next month.  All proceeds will go the Obama re-election campaign.

Famous Quadruplet Fades Away

Fig Newton, least famous of the very famous Newton Quadruplets, (Isaac Newton, Wayne Newton, and Huey P. Newton) maker of the “Newtone” Electric Guitar and author of “Fig Newton’s Four for Five Bucks” a book about the famous family, died yesterday when he became accidentally wrapped in a cellophane package. Funeral services will be held in the cookie isle at the Food King on main street.


(Shown Above: Fig Newton circa Unknown)

Vermont Takes Political Stand Over Nothing That Even Effects Them

Vermont became the first state in the union to ban fracking yesterday, in what would be a landmark moment if any fracking were actually going on there. There was no drilling taking place in Vermont, no plans to drill, and no indication that there was even gas to drill for.  But activists are celebrating the victory like it really meant something, showing the country what a waste of a human being actually looks like.

NASA Gets Congressed

Congress, remember Congress?  The people with a head full of really bad ideas that isn’t happy unless its finger is in your pie.  Well. .  Earlier this week congress approved a funding bill that would force NASA to only do business with one company on its “Commercial Crew Program”.  Killing competition is meant to save money and speed up development says Congress, but anyone with a I.Q. higher then Nancy Pelosi’s CLAIMED age knows the opposite is true. While everyone from Amazon to Space Orbital is working on different projects for space, from lunar vehicles to space cargo carriers it seems bizarre that the Government wouldn’t want NASA to be able to pick and choose the best products to use at the most affordable prices.  Making NASA choose just one business to work with will surely slow the space race to a space crawl as that one company will have to design and build each piece of equipment when other companies already have prototypes available.  Something sinister is going on here especially when Congress is promoting a monopoly.