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Yes. . . Yes. . . . The dude lies. . seriously. . .

By Floppotamus 

I was recently baffled when people in my own family said the President doesn’t lie. It was truly a “WTF” moment for me as I assumed everyone realized Government lies and some Presidents lie more often then they tell the truth. I honestly believed everyone knew politics was a sceevy business full of unsavory characters but nobody really cared as long as they were left alone and comfortable.

Lies come in several forms, there are the blatant in your face lies, there are deceptive blatant lies, then there are ones that turn out to be lies over time but may not have been lies when promised. The first lie I can actually remember by a President or candidate was when Jimmy Carter promised to legalize pot. At the time I was like in grade school and didn’t have an opinion either way on it but he didn’t do it. Looking back now Jimmy Carter would have gotten my vote if I had been older and boy or boy I would be calling him a dirty rotten liar for that one. The rule politicians should have learned but didn’t from Carter is Rule # 1 Don’t promise shit you KNOW you can’t deliver. Making excuses after the fact like “Congress wouldn’t let me” is total crap when you knew going into the deal it had no chance in congress. It makes the President look weak and stupid when he uses that lie. The next liar I can personally remember was Bush Sr. Reagan probably lied I dunno I really wasn’t paying that much attention to him although I don’t think he probably was much of liar since he had no problems saying shit like he gay people deserved aids and suggested we start bombing Russia in ten minutes. Bush senior lied when he said “Read my lips. . No new taxes”. The kind of lie that one was really depends on if your on the right or the left. If your on the right you might claim he believed it when he said it but shit just got worse. If your on the left you probably think he either was to stupid to see that a tax hike was necessary or he was blatantly lying. Any way you look at it was still lie and rule # 1 still applies. Bush Sr probably told more lies but nothing was really going on and nobody really cared. After Bush came Clinton. Through my eyes Clinton perfected the lie. Clinton was the one who made me think I was actually a republican, of course I realize now that wasn’t true but it took years to come around and start thinking clear after him. In the liar’s hall fame Clinton has the largest picture on the wall. Clinton was Joe Isuzu’s idol. If Pinocchio was Clinton his nose would have been so long we could walk on it clear to Mars. It could of saved us billions in spaceships. I’m not saying Clinton was a bad President, some good stuff came out of him. At one point while President we had a zero deficit, he also deregulated a bunch but now claims the problem with the economy was caused from deregulation to try to get Obama re-elected. Go figure. . . Clinton lied a lot, from saying shit like “I don’t know that woman” and “I didn’t have sex with that woman” to claiming Hilary turning $1000 into $100,000 practically over night in a single stock trade was legit and done without insider trading. He also lied and continues to lie about Rwanda saying he didn’t know what was going on there when he had sent instructions to the delegates at the U.N. stopping the U.N. from going into Rwanda and continuing the slaughter by machete. That’s the biggy in my book. He lied about having a health care plan, he had no plan at all for health care. They tried to hurry and make a plan called the Hilary plan but it was so bad they took her name back off it and it found zero support with anyone. The guy is was total liar.

Bush Jr. lied. Weapons of mass destruction and all that jazz. That one got us into war so other lies he told really seem trivial after that. Either politics changed during the Bush era or I really started paying attention. A lot of it had to do with the war and gave politicians a opportunity to grab some power as the people had strong beliefs about war. When McCain ran against Obama it seemed everyone started lying and lying big time although it may have started earlier when Bush ran against Gore. . Unsure exactly. . But there were a lot of lies floating about at that point.

When Obama ran against McCain I was on the fence. That’s the only time I didn’t vote in a Presidential election since I was 18. That’s also the time I started feeling really cheated by the two party system as neither party thought like I did. McCain didn’t win so his lies don’t really count beyond saying he lied. Okay. . to my family members that actually believes the President doesn’t lie here it is. “My first order of business will be to close Gitmo”. Obama never considered closing Gitmo and as President signed into law a law that prohibited keeping suspected terrorists on American soil which at the present time only leaves Gitmo unless we can bribe another country into letting us build a prison in their country which is doubtful because it would make their country a target. The left was trying to use Bush’s torture Gitmo prisoners shit to get votes and thought by saying close the torture chamber people would sign on. It was a crafty plan and worked but still was a deceptive bald face lie. Gitmo is the only way we can keep an eye on Cuba and being 90 miles from us it’s kind of important to watch them not to mention the Cuban Government doesn‘t like us. . Remember the missile crisis? Another lie was Libya is about civilians. The truth is Libya was about everything BUT civilians. Libya was about getting Qudaffi cause he has been a thorn in Governments back for years. It was about getting Qudaffi because of the Lockerby crash. It was about getting Qudaffi because we don’t like him. It was about oil. It was about business. If you really gave a shit about civilians you wouldn’t drop effin bombs on populated areas. Bombs don’t care who they kill. Barry Goldwater said “ If your going to drop a bomb your going to kill civilians” I think everyone would agree on that. Another lie was when Obama said his stimulus plan would create 5 to 6 million jobs. I don’t care how you try to spin it didn’t happen. And even after the first stimulus failed he did a half sized second stimulus calling it the jobs stimulus and said Ok people this time. . Yeah yeah. .. . If it didn’t work the first time most people would think it stupid to try again expecting a different result. I could spend all day citing lies but I got better shit to do. I’ll suffice by saying now Obama is going around making a whole new batch of promises while distancing himself from the promises he made the first go around that never got done.

If you think, after reading this it is biased you might be right but I’m not claiming it as an objective piece of writing. It’s just my view. Like I say I’m in the middle not on either the left side or the right side. . I’m the more dangerous. . the middle side. . . Fear us for if we get ever get the power the country changes for real.

The World Hates Mitt Romney

By Floppotamus and Mona

I awoke from a bad dream to find myself still in a bad dream. The headline read “ The World Hates Mitt Romney” I half heartedly scanned the article. The article was claiming that people in Britain, France, and Pakistan didn’t think Mitt was all that great a person, who is unworthy to be a candidate and shouldn’t be considered for President. My initial thought was who cares what they think, it’s not their country but then I started thinking about it. I wondered if the majority of Americans could even name the leaders of those three countries and even if some could would they have an opinion on their leadership abilities. I doubted it. It then occurred to me that if Pakistan and France thought it was a bad idea for America it was probably a good idea for America as Pakistan pretty much hates America beyond the money it gets from it and France is still pissed because they blame us for them having to go to the 5 day work week and cutting their vacation time down to 4 weeks a year. Britain on the other hand thinks all Americans think about is money but are secretly jealous as they pay ¾’s of their incomes in taxes which fund a “hurry up and wait in line forever for service” socialized medical plan with no dental plan.. . And after spending all their money on health care those people could really use a quality dentist. My conclusion from the article, after dismissing the agenda of the writer, is A) Countries don’t like seeing other countries doing better than they are.. . For obvious reasons. And B) They believe they will get less aid money if Romney gets in. On a personal level. . . I’d vote for you, your neighbor or almost anyone else who isn’t Romney before I’d vote for Romney but since the two party system only allows me to vote for one of two extremes I’m going for Romney before the country goes to far to the left. And then pray that in four years we will be offered a reasonable candidate for President from a THIRD or FOURTH breakout party.

The First Chapter Of Ice – 9

The first chapter is free but if you would like the other chapters you need to fork out some piassters. . .

Ice – 9

By Floppotamus & Mona

Chapter 1

I had just finished formulating my latest strain of sativa on paper and Mona was double checking my math, she was good at math and physics and never let her lack of thumbs hold her back.  Mona could have played soccer for the Olympic team but was foiled when a group of goats protested her admittance by chanting “Two legs good, four legs baaad” at the Olympic tryouts. It was never really clear to me if the goats actually objected to Mona’s participation or if they just had escaped Animal Farm and that was the only chant they knew.  But because the goats supported gay marriage they had the political clout to intimidate the group that chose the athletes and Mona was ousted from the team.  In the end justice had prevailed when, a week later, the goats tour bus was forced off a bridge by a gay couple who had just been married and were in a hurry to get to Disney’s new theme park “Fairyland”. The goats bus had plunged into the river below and as it sank you could hear the goats chanting “Two legs good, oh this is baaad”.  There were no survivors and no gay people attended the goat funerals.  The gay goat-killing couple, who were staunchly against goats’ rights, thought it was an extremely funny gag and became instant celebrities when three of the five cable news channels ran the story of the event.  They became Kardashian popular and landed a reality show on the Bravo channel but it was cancelled after only three episodes. A few months later the couple made the cable news again for filing the first gay divorce.  They fought over everything and in the end declared they were against gay marriage, it was too expensive when it didn’t work out.  The former couple was left penniless, one of them ended up on skid row selling sex for meth money until they were stabbed in the throat by a dissatisfied customer, no goats attended the funeral.  The other one landed a job with Goldman Sachs and lived large until they were arrested for defrauding the National Organization of Women on a orange juice scam, even gays didn‘t have the power to go up against women. While in prison they made national news a final time by marrying everyone on cellblock C in a single ceremony. A couple weeks after the ceremony they died of a massive colon rupture.  That didn’t make the news, nobody really cared about criminals or goat justice any longer.  Mona never talks about any of that.  She lives in the present.  She’s cool like that.

There are basically three species of marijuana people prefer to use for recreation and a ton of subspecies known as strains.  Mona and I had decided to create our very own strain, mostly because we have the time but also because Mona is such a stoner she burns through my pot like Obooma burns through tax dollars. Pot is expensive stuff and Mona, being a democrat, believes others should pay for the stuff she wants, and because I feel bad for her for missing out on her promising soccer career I usually give in, besides. . She does the math around the house and doesn’t bitch about working with fractions or reading the tape measure.  Mona wanted to name the new strain we were going to come up with.  It works like that, like discovering a star or new living creature the person who discovers it gets to name it.  She thought our new strain should be named “Mona”.  I wasn’t surprised by this, Mona liked to name everything Mona.  I convinced her that people would be confused by two Mona’s just like the guy who named his strain Girl Scout Cookies, not only was the name confusing not knowing if somebody was talking about pot or actual cookies it was probably the worst name for a strain of pot in the history of strain naming. We had both agreed early on that neither of us ever wanted to smoke pot that made us think about Girl Scouts or their cookies, it just seemed creepy. I wanted a name that people would like saying.  Marketing was a big deal and a bad name could ruin a good product. We finally agreed to name our strain “Ice- 9”. Mona really liked the name having recently read Cats Cradle and now claimed Vonnegut as her new favorite author although not recalling anything in the book about cats.  Mona is a fan of cats but against cats’ rights, I thought to myself she was probably also against goats rights and gay marriage too but never brought it up in conversation.  It seemed mean. I thought Ice-9 was a great name. It would have a niche with people who smoked dope and could actually read but still sounded cool to those that didn’t get the reference. Sounding cool was important.

Talking about smoking pot makes a lot of people uncomfortable. It shouldn’t, many famous people smoked it. Abe Lincoln in a letter to a friend wrote that one of his favorite things to do as President was to sit on the porch and enjoy a pipeful of sweet hemp. Now you know where that four score and twenty years ago stuff came from. Don’t kid yourself, Abe got the good weed.  Steve Jobs also smoked pot.  But he was an asshole so I’m not sure if that’s and endorsement or not.  Frances Crick, the guy who figured out the double helix structure of DNA was a big time toker, so was Carl Sagan.  Oliver Sacks, the poet laureate of medicine, and the author of “Awakenings” who is an Oxford graduate and professor of neurology at Columbia Medical Center admits to using pot at way more then a recreational level. He also wrote, “The man who mistook his wife for a hat.” The dudes a character.  In the 1850’s  pot use was quite fashionable and there were as many as 500 pot shops in New York city alone.  The problem came when Mexican immigrants moved into the southwest bringing with them their favorite recreationalthat’s, That, combined with pot use by black musicians in the South, was enough to fire up the Government into taking action against it.  By 1906 pot not only could not sit at the back of the bus, it could no longer ride the bus.  Today Pot is a schedule 1 drug.  Which means according to the Government, Pot  1) Has a high potential for abuse, oddly enough Alcohol, Cheeseburgers, and Tobacco didn’t make the list although people actually die from abusing them. There has never been a reported overdose from pot. 2) Has no currently accepted medical use in treatment in the United States.  Anyone who still believes this needs to call me, I have a perpetual motion machine to sell them. .   At friend prices.  3) There is a lack of accepted safety for use of the drug or other substance under medical supervision. I’m not sure what that even means when referring to pot and I doubt even the FDA could explain it.

When we first decided to do our own pot strain, Mona and I sat down and made notes of what we would like our strain to feel like. Most of the newer strains are geared more towards medical use these days and do very good job at fighting pain, inducing sleep, and just making people with problems feel better.  The species that works best for people with medical conditions is Indica. It just happens to be a bonus that indica plants are smaller and way more dense giving the grower a higher yield per plant in a smaller area.  Indica is great for people with medical issues and is very popular among those that like a deep mind and body high and don’t mind being locked down tight to the couch staring at the tv while wondering about things like exactly how to use a chair or what are cheetos really made from. Indica smokers can solve all the problems of the world in one afternoon but become too tired to write anything down so after the ten or twelve hours of super enriched indica sleep they no longer can recall any of the solutions. The Kush Mountain range in Afghanistan is famous for their indica and most likely why America is still over there.  It is rumored that Obooma  has pounds of it flown in special and he and the joint chiefs of staff do shotgun hits while droning bad guys on the big screen in the war room like it is a video game but way more fun because it’s real. Afghan Kush is also popular among congressmen, judges, and the rich.  Middle and lower class smokers however prefer not to buy Kush from the Middle East because they don’t want to fund terror since it‘s their kids that have to fight that shit. They choose instead to buy the Canadian and American Kush hybrids which are, in most cases, a lot better than the Afghan Kush and also provide jobs for hard working people, although a lot of those hard workers are from California, where you can no longer get a toy in your happy meal and saying “Supersize“ in a McDonald’s drive thru is a criminal offense. Indica is great for smoking but only after the sun has gone down, if you have sleeping problems you won’t anymore if you smoke indica. The drug companies wish they could come up with something half as good as indica for sleeping disorders but since they can’t they spend millions lobbying congressmen to keep it from the people who really need it.  One of the most famous smokers of indica was Rip Van Winkle.  His story can be found in  “The Sketchbook Of Geoffrey Crayon”. It’s interesting reading but the part about the bearded bowlers giving Rip liquor was changed.  The bowlers actually gave Rip a bowl of indica to smoke. Irving, believing himself to be a moral man, didn’t want to entice children with narcotics so he changed that part to liquor, which according to societies’ warped view of stuff is somehow preferable. Today’s strains of indica hit fast, hit hard, and take no prisoners. It’s some serious weed.  While smoking indica  I personally penned the short stories “Boo Boo and the Test Pattern” and “The Defective Detective”, which if you haven’t read, you should, I need the money.

Mona and I agreed that we needed to use some indica in our strain but not make it dominant. The THC levels in the better indica strains reach up to 25% and when levels get that high it gives people strange ideas.  It is believed that the guys who came up with the idea of listing Bonsai Kittens on the internet got the idea while smoking  OG Ghost Train Haze, a strain created by Southwest Alternative Care. That particular strain has a THC level of  25.49%.  If you don’t recall the event I’ll quickly give you the short version.  Some guys came up with idea of selling baby kittens in glass jars that people could buy for clean pets.  You fed your kitten through a tube in the lid. It was of course a hoax but people seeing the ad became enraged and soon the FBI, who at the time was smoking  Dr. Grinspoon, a strain developed at Barney’s Farm which carried a THC level of 21.87%, thoroughly believing the ad, carried out several raids on warehouses they thought were housing the kitten torturing band of outlaws. If anyone ever decides to make a movie about it I want to write the screenplay.  The people creating these new very potent strains are mostly old stoners who have been growing pot for years.  They know their stuff and they know marketing. Their companies carry names like Southwest Alternative Care, Highland Health, DNA Genetics, and Biocare. Mona’s favorite company is called D&M Compassion Center, she’s a big compassion kind of  beast. It’s only a matter of time until these companies and companies like these have the clout and the funds to buy enough congressmen to get pot moved to a schedule 2 drug where it can keep company with such drugs as morphine, codeine, and fentanyl, and in all honesty, according to the schedule 2 guidelines, where alcohol belongs.

Lately, Mona and I have been buying our pot from the mob. Living where we do there’s just not that many options for vendors. I knew a guy that bought pot from the cops. He said cop prices are higher and they always lie about the quality.  If you bitched about paying for Martian Green Crack Weed but received Missouri Swamp Grass they would come to your house at night and point guns at you, then they would take your best CD’s and leave you with a fat lip. We stay away from the cops, Mona’s lips are fat enough.  Buying pot from the mob is way safer than buying it on the street. They are very professional and always deliver the product exactly as described and in a timely fashion. They value their clients and are the only people I know that can move a special request across the country in three days. You want some Blue Widow? Ask on Monday and you will be smoking it by Wednesday night. I’m not a fan of doing business with criminals in most cases that’s why I didn’t go into politics but in this case I‘ll make the exception. Mona doesn’t really care where the pot comes from as long as it wasn’t bought from goats or gay people, besides, Mona says gay people never have good dope, it‘s probably a discrimination thing.

We next needed to do our research. Growing a truly remarkable strain of pot was more then just tossing seeds in the yard and praying for rain. Mona did her research by watching all the old Cheech and Chong  movies and smoking twice as much pot as usual.  She said research was important and she was certainly going to do her part.  I got “The Big Picture Book of Marijuana” for the articles not the pictures, you know like when you get a Playboy.  After reading the book it became clear that growing super bud took a lot of expensive lab equipment.   Mona had suggested we just get a green loan from the Government by telling them we were working on an alternative energy source but I knew Obooma would want to come over and get pictures of himself walking thru the place like he was personally responsible for any success.  That wouldn’t work, if he saw the pot plants he would want them for himself. In the end we decided to cut costs by fabricating a lot of the equipment out of stuff around the house. It’s a misconception that the “War On Drugs” is about drugs, it isn’t. It’s a war on trying to control power by controlling money. The Government doesn’t give shit about fighting drugs, it doesn’t give a shit about its people. It doesn’t have to, it has the two party system. The people are powerless against it. The whole function of the War Against Drugs is to keep the Governments of other countries in charge long enough for us to exploit them. It’s the American way.

We had written our equipment list out in invisible ink.  Not because we were fearful of the authorities. But because it was secret agent stuff and added the element of excitement to the project. By this time I had read so many articles on pot strains I was suffering from Repetitive Strain Injury or RSI for short.  Mona complained that all the new information she was learning was stretching her mind and causing her pain.  She said she needed to smoke even more pot to control her growing mind discomfort.  She had all the angles working in her favor, angles were math. We were going to create a strain that was Sativa dominant.  Of course that created certain challenges especially if you didn’t live in South America or Africa. Sativa is a tall plant that takes up tons of space and needs more hours of sunlight than the North American sun produces. In Africa, Zulu farmers, who used to be Zulu warriors, are famous for growing pot.  There is way more money in farming dope then warrioring. The farmers are even kicking around the idea of building a road through the village and getting their own convenience store. The sativa strains produce a energetic high of euphoric nature. It stimulates thought and is great pot to smoke first thing in the morning when you have loads of stuff to do.  When you smoke sativa everything is funny. Rookie smokers should steer clear of the stronger sativa strains. They often become lost in thought in a middle of a conversation and stand around with blank looks on their faces. When this occurs its referred to as spacing, spacing out, or tripping. Smoking sativa should be avoided after the sun sets. Smoking it at night will make it impossible to sleep and you may find yourself sorting all your pots and pans by size at 3 in the morning right after you have finished painting the garage with 2 coats of paint and one color change. Creative people prefer sativa and while smoking sativa Mona invented the suction cup. She was heartbroken when she found out the suction cup had been invented years earlier by some one else who was also smoking sativa so instead she sold T-shirts that said “I’m stoned, don’t talk to me” on them and made enough money to buy the big big box of milk bones which made her feel much better. She refused to sell her shirt to goats or gays which made her even happier. Dog revenge is a scary thing.

The United States recently launched a new “War on Drugs” in South Africa.  Of course it’s not really about drugs it’s about something else. My guess is America will open up the land for big business to mine the metals they need for technology. But do it under the guise of fighting drugs. The once mighty Zulu Nation, that is now more like Indians on a reservation in South Dakota but without cars and roads, will become a conquered people! for the second time. But Americans love those smart phones so it’s okay with them, even if actually using the phones makes them sound like they are sitting at the bottom of the ocean.  Mona says if you’re not among the rich in America you’re a conquered people.  She says profound shit like that sometimes. Mona told me once that the worse thing that can happen to any small peaceful country is that one day they strike oil.  Once you strike oil your days are numbered. The free world will find a reason that will allow them to come take it. That’s how it all works. She’s probably right. I still mentally struggle with a country that can land on Mars and invented Velcro but still chooses to run on fossil fuels.  How is that even possible? Fucking fossil fuels for petes sake.  If you can’t see a problem with that you probably work for Shell oil as a lobbyist. Sativa plants take way more time to grow and produce smaller yields. It’s like the twelve year old scotch of pot. But doesn’t turn you into a moron when you smoke too much.  Remember those PSA’s that were on tv that showed a skillet  and said “This your brain” then had the eggs frying?  Yeah you remember it.  Or the one that told us “It’s called dope for a reason”? Those ads were ran by the Government but were funded by Liquor companies.  Pharmaceutical  companies are even worse. They are the guys that show up at a car accident and try to sell the injured band aids. At scalper prices.  Our new strain isn’t going to be about money.  It’s going to be about feeling good.  We decided our new strain would be free of charge to native Americans. Those people deserve to feel good and booze isn’t really working for them, a second option for them would be nice. To make up for the free Indian pot, we will charge the left triple prices and tell them to blame the right for the high cost.  That will make them happy, they like to blame. We won’t sell to the right at all, we don’t like them. We will make an exception for Ron Paul, he can buy some but only if he promises not to share it with Rand.  That guy is scary enough without being high.

Everything was finally down on paper, Mona had done a fine job highlighting the genetic maps in different colors being extra careful to color within the lines which is hard for her as she thinks outside the box and has a tendency to scribble.  She had proudly hung the maps on the wall  in the room that was to become the mad scientist laboratory.  We were ready to start building the Frankenstein of pot.  This was exciting times and it was a shame Stanley Kubrick wasn’t around to film the Icetravaganza.  It would make a fine movie. Jimmy Page could have done a tasty soundtrack that would have given Les Paul a double triple erection that even Leo Fender would want to look at.  This was going to be the pot that made Madonna accept God and become a nun.  This was the pot that was going to make David Lynch seem normal.  This was going to be good stuff. This was going to be the pot Bogart talked about when he said “This is the stuff that dreams are made of.”